Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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