so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
