I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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