I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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