ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
