dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
