i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
