he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
