I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
