Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize