lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to make out with him forever
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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