I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
