im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
