ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
