i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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