I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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