My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
