Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
