You really coming over, don't trick.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize