Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
