my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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