I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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