ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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