since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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