My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
