His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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