Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
