You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
