dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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