If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
