I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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