cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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