There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
