i already hear my dad disowning me
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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