If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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