i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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