I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
