I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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