sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
