Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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