I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
