i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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