my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
