She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
