he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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