I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
