You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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