At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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