I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
