he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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