I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
