I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
