Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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