so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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