You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize