Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
